I’m currently on day 32 (I think) of the 35 (I think) day lockdown in NZ, which means it is the perfect time for a bit of self reflection and understanding what exactly the last five weeks have taught me. Be prepared, this does get deep but what else are you supposed to do apart from overthink when you are locked with only your own thoughts 24/7?
Depression is not ideal
Understatement of the year! I have suffered from depression for a while, and the first few months of this year has been the hardest for me. I was struggling massively but I was surviving. This lockdown has just amplified the depression and sadness to extreme heights, I have gone to bed sobbing myself to sleep, and just sleeping to avoid being awake. I have had no one to distract me from myself. This has been one of the hardest part of the lockdown – being left with just myself 24/7. Luckily, I had work to distract me but cleaning rooms or checking people in isn’t much of a distraction, it hasn’t been enough. My main distraction has been really simple games, like solitaire or a tetris-like game. I will always be thankful to these games for giving me a few hours of reprieve from my own mind. After this lockdown lifts, I know I now need to focus on my mental health, not just to survive, but to live; that I can’t just ignore it and pretend it doesn’t affect every aspect of my life. PMA and all that jazz!
Not eating for 24 hours is possible but not recommended
Cooking for yourself is a mission at the best of times; I often rely on the local takeaways to make my food, I have the privilege of having the money and means to get takeaway up to 5 times a week. Without having these as possible options during the lockdown, I have had to cook everything for myself. I cannot count how many curries I have cooked (the exact same curry each time from a jar – once I added red onion instead of brown onion to make it interesting). Vegan ready meals have saved me a few times. I have even lowered myself to cereal which is normally a no go for me. But sometimes it was too much and I let myself not eat, instead I chose to sleep. I made sure that after this happened a couple of times, I had some form of snack-y food that takes hardly any time to prepare, although I am counting down the hours til I have access to fast food again, I will NEVER take them for granted again.
My hair can withstand a lot
Dyed. Lightened. Dyed. Colour stripped. Dyed. Dyed, again. I thought now would be the perfect time to go blue, or at least half blue. So I ombre dyed my (already dyed) black hair – didn’t work out great, very uneven, still quite black/brown. Next I lightened it to try and make it better – I made it even but a super straight line, bright yellow, no ombre effect. I put the blue dye on – it looked green. I have discovered that I am not a hairdresser and I’m never destined to be.
Then I saw a picture of Kristen Stewart with platinum blonde hair so OF COURSE I Just Had To Do It!! So my poor hair got stripped, which revealed that my ‘natural’ hair that I thought was a light-ish brown was actually a lot darker. The local supermarket didn’t have lightener so I bought a blonde dye that said lightener on the box – which to my non hairdresser readers means absolutely nothing – and so I ended up with ginger/blonde roots, brown mid length, blonde/blue ends. This hairstyle lasted a week and a bit.
Then tonight (after watching Twilight) I decided it was time to go back to my emo roots and I now have black hair again. But I couldn’t just dye it! That would have been too simple! I now have shoulder length hair, instead of under the collarbone hair. I believe a good two or three inches was just chopped off. There’s still two days left to go – there is a chance that I could finally go bald.
I am braver than I thought
I cut my hair without thinking about it. Before lockdown, I had cut my hair myself but I was careful, this time I was just chopping. It will probably be uneven but I don’t care. I did it to feel something, and now I kinda look like Lord Farquaad.
I told the person I liked that I liked them within the first week of lockdown. This is a Big Thing. The feelings were not reciprocated, which was expected. The friendship is now not the same as it was before, and probably won’t be after lockdown finishes. It was hard but I saved myself four more weeks of thinking ‘what if’. For someone who hides their romantic feelings (as the best as she can), I think this was a huge lesson for myself, that the worst is they can say ‘nah buddy you’re just a pal’. I think I need to get myself out and about after lockdown and work on the romantic portion of my life, add some spice.
Keeping the big trauma of your life to yourself can be just as damaging as the trauma itself
To add onto the last point, but to get deeper, I finally told my mum, after ten years, that I was groomed as a teenager. Only in the last couple of years have I been telling friends but I’ve always been scared to tell my mum. I didn’t want her to blame herself. I didn’t want her to be angry at me for not saying something at the time, and for not saying anything since. I have been thinking about writing about it but I always knew I had to tell my mum first – she couldn’t find out from a tweet or a blog post.
Late one night during a crying sesh, I called her and told her. That was the bravest I have been, the strongest I have been, and it helped bring me and my mum closer. The next day I couldn’t get out of bed, my head was pounding and I was physically dealing with the aftermath of this 10 year weight of guilt, trauma and pain. Doing this while being completely alone was hard – I am still feeling this aftermath. I randomly cry while trying to do my job or just lying in bed listening to music. But if I can get through this alone, I am strong enough to face anything with life after lockdown. The relief I feel from telling her about this is huge, I was hurting myself more keeping it a secret and pretending everything was fine and that I was fine. I highly recommend sharing what is hurting you, keeping it to yourself will just cause more pain.
I can keep myself alive
I have got through it – touch wood I won’t suddenly die in the next 75 hours. I can say that both me and my hair have survived the NZ COVID-19 Pandemic Lockdown. I am both weaker and stronger than before. I have a lot to work on to make life after lockdown the best it can be. My job role and responsibilities have changed dramatically. My friendships have changed. My eating habits have changed (but hopefully will include a McDonalds and a Burgerfuel again). It has made me be more open, communicate more with my mum, and reminded me what and who is important to me.
Also, shout out to Harry Styles for creating the masterpiece, Fine Line, which has been keeping me relatively sane, along with the Call Me By Your Name soundtrack.
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