louder than words

Feeling heavy emotions today, and I’m going to let myself feel them for the next couple of days, and work through them.

I’m hoping this is just some PMS heightening feelings that have been on the back burner while I distract myself. 

I wish finding a therapist was easier, and cheaper, and just more accessible. I need to be guided on how to cope with change, to cope with intense feelings, to not be overwhelmed with being a human. 

In the mean time, I will keep cutting my hair. I think it won’t be long until I’m a skinhead. It’s getting shorter and shorter every time (and there’s only some much hair on your head at a time). 

The tick tick boom soundtrack has been my own mood booster, or a distraction; either way, it stops me from crying. 

I feel like I should probably see a physiotherapist, or a chiropractor, and get my body realigned. I’m trying to eat a load of food but it’s hard when my mood is on the decline. 

Feeling quite hopeless and the future that I want just seems out of reach for me right now. My impatience can be intensely overpowering sometimes, and makes me want to just quit, because I prefer the destination over the journey. 

So I just booked into a counselling session with someone. I think I was previously too fussy when looking for a therapist, but I just need to go try them out and see what happens. It won’t be a waste of money – it’s a start in the right direction, and make me feel better and that it is all worth it. 

But it just all makes me so tired. 

I am tired. 

lasagna

I’m thankful for lasagna and chicken run. 

That’s it. 

Bye. 

loneliness

lol where to start with this one? I’ve been thinking about it all day. 

I can count the friends I have in the same country on one hand. 

I isolate myself, I have (sometimes overbearing) social anxiety, and I ran away from everything I had at 21 years old. 

I deluded myself into thinking that I could be completely content alone for a couple of years. That I could survive on maybe one or two deep connections with other humans in person, and a few online friendships through the sharing of memes and chats about how dismal life can be. 

But that isn’t possible for me anymore. 

In 2021, I spent nearly eight months being truly seen by another human being. Being supported through some pretty shitty times. Having a film partner. Having someone who cared that I was okay. 

I’ve now realised that I really want that, in any form – friendship, companionship, relationship. Consistent love. 

I am adapting to being enough for myself again, but I can’t block out this need either. 

So the goal of this year is to make that effort to meet new people, disregard my social anxiety, put myself up for rejection, and not be damaged by it but grateful for the chance. I want to end the year with more meaningful bonds (and that could just be friends that will take all my films recommendations and start a letterboxd account). 

I’ve already started – I’ve hung out with work colleagues instead of being “too tired”, I’ve met someone off tinder and didn’t bail, I’m making friends through hinge. 

It might not be ideal to meet people via apps but it’s a start, and that’s all I ask of myself, to make that time for myself to explore this once closed off part of me. 

I cannot and will not place limits on myself this year, and I won’t let my mind trick me into thinking I am not worthy of love and affection from others, and that I will make a fool of myself. Everyone is a fool and a mess, and we’re all just floating on this rock trying to make sense of it all. But in the end there really is no sense. 

So, fuck it. 

made this cos tick tick boom got me thinking

What does it mean for someone who craves for creativity, who wants to make, produce, but lacks ideas or originality or the right brain wires to get started?

I’m scared to write in case it’s bad, in case other people don’t like it, or don’t embrace it. 

I devour other people’s art. My walls are covered in physical art. I am always listening to someone else’s music, watching other people’s TV shows and films. 

I feel myself drawn towards creative people. I have dated musicians. I crave for this outlet.

On reflection, it’s the act of craving, the act of obsession that overpowers everything I do. The need to devote myself to anything and everything else apart from developing my own skills, developing me. 

What does that mean?

Have I actually given myself the opportunity to create and be more? 

Or have I just filled my time with others?

I avoid writing in my own diary, just in case it doesn’t go the way I want. What if I write the wrong thing?

Who is there to judge me but myself? 

No one cares that much about you, or your life. You just need to make the world how you want it, spend your time doing the things you want, that you need to feel whole and present in your life. 

I’ve also thought that what I make needs to have meaning, be something to change the world. But that just limits – limits your mind. 

Maybe sometimes it’s just a need to release. To process. 

I use my twitter more as a journal for me to look back at, on timehop a year or two later to see who I was before. To release the thoughts that build up and get trapped in my head. 

But what if I did more than just 280 characters, give myself more content, more space to be and to breathe. Something that I can briefly edit but it doesn’t look like a mess?

These are all the thoughts constantly in my head whenever I sit down to write. But I am going to do it differently now. I cannot be 25, and too afraid of what others think, and not just write and see what happens. 

This might be very Gemini of me, but I want to make this my hobby. A nightly review of my thoughts, or maybe weekly. Try and be consistent with my writing and what happens, happens. 

I don’t need to over analyse my words – I don’t need to be peer reviewed. I don’t need to feel shame from putting my thoughts out in the world. 

Now I want to conclude this, but I don’t know how to tie it up but maybe it doesn’t need to be tied up. Maybe we can just have an open ending?

I am Enough

I have been single for over two years. I have not had any romantic or sexual relationships since then. And that does not matter.

I am enough by myself. I do not need another person to make me whole.

I am judged by others for this, on a nearly daily basis by the people around me. They expect me to follow the stereotype to have a partner or I will become selfish. But that it is not what I want. Sure, I wouldn’t mind someone to stroke the centre of my back that I physically can’t reach myself. Yes, it would be nice to have someone else to cook when I just can’t be bothered. But I do not need someone to fill a gap because I am full by myself.

I may not have a thousand friends but that’s fine by me. Where would I have the time to fit them in? I have a full time job and a full time interest in films, TV and books. I used to be afraid that wasn’t enough but to me it is. This is what I enjoy.

People at 24 are normally thinking about marriage, babies, buying a house and other life goals, but they are not mine. My goals are to consume as much entertainment as possible because that’s what brings me happiness. Maybe one day I will be a creator of what I consume. I am tired of apologising and thinking that something is wrong with me. I am tired of trying to fit into the stereotypes and the social norms. I am changing what it means to be a woman in my eyes.

This might all change in the future, but right now I don’t have the emotional and mental capacity. I am not ready to think about anyone other than myself (and occasionally my family and a few friends). That is okay. It is my life to live and I am happy with it.

I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am true.
I am independent.
I am funny.
I am awake.
I am powerful.
I am dedicated.
I am selfish.
I am caring.

I am enough.

What Lockdown Taught Me

I’m currently on day 32 (I think) of the 35 (I think) day lockdown in NZ, which means it is the perfect time for a bit of self reflection and understanding what exactly the last five weeks have taught me. Be prepared, this does get deep but what else are you supposed to do apart from overthink when you are locked with only your own thoughts 24/7?

Depression is not ideal

Understatement of the year! I have suffered from depression for a while, and the first few months of this year has been the hardest for me. I was struggling massively but I was surviving. This lockdown has just amplified the depression and sadness to extreme heights, I have gone to bed sobbing myself to sleep, and just sleeping to avoid being awake. I have had no one to distract me from myself. This has been one of the hardest part of the lockdown – being left with just myself 24/7. Luckily, I had work to distract me but cleaning rooms or checking people in isn’t much of a distraction, it hasn’t been enough. My main distraction has been really simple games, like solitaire or a tetris-like game. I will always be thankful to these games for giving me a few hours of reprieve from my own mind. After this lockdown lifts, I know I now need to focus on my mental health, not just to survive, but to live; that I can’t just ignore it and pretend it doesn’t affect every aspect of my life. PMA and all that jazz!

Not eating for 24 hours is possible but not recommended

Cooking for yourself is a mission at the best of times; I often rely on the local takeaways to make my food, I have the privilege of having the money and means to get takeaway up to 5 times a week. Without having these as possible options during the lockdown, I have had to cook everything for myself. I cannot count how many curries I have cooked (the exact same curry each time from a jar – once I added red onion instead of brown onion to make it interesting). Vegan ready meals have saved me a few times. I have even lowered myself to cereal which is normally a no go for me. But sometimes it was too much and I let myself not eat, instead I chose to sleep. I made sure that after this happened a couple of times, I had some form of snack-y food that takes hardly any time to prepare, although I am counting down the hours til I have access to fast food again, I will NEVER take them for granted again.

My hair can withstand a lot

Dyed. Lightened. Dyed. Colour stripped. Dyed. Dyed, again. I thought now would be the perfect time to go blue, or at least half blue. So I ombre dyed my (already dyed) black hair – didn’t work out great, very uneven, still quite black/brown. Next I lightened it to try and make it better – I made it even but a super straight line, bright yellow, no ombre effect. I put the blue dye on – it looked green. I have discovered that I am not a hairdresser and I’m never destined to be.

Then I saw a picture of Kristen Stewart with platinum blonde hair so OF COURSE I Just Had To Do It!! So my poor hair got stripped, which revealed that my ‘natural’ hair that I thought was a light-ish brown was actually a lot darker. The local supermarket didn’t have lightener so I bought a blonde dye that said lightener on the box – which to my non hairdresser readers means absolutely nothing – and so I ended up with ginger/blonde roots, brown mid length, blonde/blue ends. This hairstyle lasted a week and a bit.

Then tonight (after watching Twilight) I decided it was time to go back to my emo roots and I now have black hair again. But I couldn’t just dye it! That would have been too simple! I now have shoulder length hair, instead of under the collarbone hair. I believe a good two or three inches was just chopped off. There’s still two days left to go – there is a chance that I could finally go bald.

I am braver than I thought

I cut my hair without thinking about it. Before lockdown, I had cut my hair myself but I was careful, this time I was just chopping. It will probably be uneven but I don’t care. I did it to feel something, and now I kinda look like Lord Farquaad.

I told the person I liked that I liked them within the first week of lockdown. This is a Big Thing. The feelings were not reciprocated, which was expected. The friendship is now not the same as it was before, and probably won’t be after lockdown finishes. It was hard but I saved myself four more weeks of thinking ‘what if’. For someone who hides their romantic feelings (as the best as she can), I think this was a huge lesson for myself, that the worst is they can say ‘nah buddy you’re just a pal’. I think I need to get myself out and about after lockdown and work on the romantic portion of my life, add some spice.

Keeping the big trauma of your life to yourself can be just as damaging as the trauma itself

To add onto the last point, but to get deeper, I finally told my mum, after ten years, that I was groomed as a teenager. Only in the last couple of years have I been telling friends but I’ve always been scared to tell my mum. I didn’t want her to blame herself. I didn’t want her to be angry at me for not saying something at the time, and for not saying anything since. I have been thinking about writing about it but I always knew I had to tell my mum first – she couldn’t find out from a tweet or a blog post.

Late one night during a crying sesh, I called her and told her. That was the bravest I have been, the strongest I have been, and it helped bring me and my mum closer. The next day I couldn’t get out of bed, my head was pounding and I was physically dealing with the aftermath of this 10 year weight of guilt, trauma and pain. Doing this while being completely alone was hard – I am still feeling this aftermath. I randomly cry while trying to do my job or just lying in bed listening to music. But if I can get through this alone, I am strong enough to face anything with life after lockdown. The relief I feel from telling her about this is huge, I was hurting myself more keeping it a secret and pretending everything was fine and that I was fine. I highly recommend sharing what is hurting you, keeping it to yourself will just cause more pain.

I can keep myself alive

I have got through it – touch wood I won’t suddenly die in the next 75 hours. I can say that both me and my hair have survived the NZ COVID-19 Pandemic Lockdown. I am both weaker and stronger than before. I have a lot to work on to make life after lockdown the best it can be. My job role and responsibilities have changed dramatically. My friendships have changed. My eating habits have changed (but hopefully will include a McDonalds and a Burgerfuel again). It has made me be more open, communicate more with my mum, and reminded me what and who is important to me.

Also, shout out to Harry Styles for creating the masterpiece, Fine Line, which has been keeping me relatively sane, along with the Call Me By Your Name soundtrack.

28/12/2019

Christmas this year was isolating. I have never felt more alone. I spent 11 hours working where I interacted with maybe 6 complete strangers and two colleagues. The colleagues had left only five hours into the shift. The rest of the time I was sitting there, by myself, reading emails and reading Gloria Steinem’s The Truth Will Set You Free but First it Will Piss You Off.

Christmas music was depressing. It didn’t feel right. Having Christmas in the sun is disorientating. I felt like a fake, pretending to be happy to guests when I was literally sitting there, eating bread and butter because I didn’t have it in me to even try to cook a nice Christmas dinner. I didn’t want to make the effort for myself.

Scrolling through Instagram and Facebook just made the loneliness worse. I know they are just highlight reels and you don’t see the fights and the sadness, but you can still see that they have people. I had no one – no friends who wanted to be with me and no family who were able to be with me.

Loneliness causes physical pain. It feels like your chest is getting tighter and smaller. It is uncomfortable. You only really notice it at night when you’re lying in bed realising that you are alone. When you don’t have someone to regularly message you apart from your mum and even then you’ve got time zones to deal with.

The worst part is I know I’ve done this to myself. I have isolated myself. I have run away to the other side of the world from my family. I don’t try to make friends. When I’m not working, I’m in my room watching films or TV shows or reading (46 books this year!). I don’t go outside unless it’s necessary. I don’t try.

Because I’m scared. I am tired. I just don’t want to deal with anything that can cause me pain. I don’t want to go outside my comfort zone and potentially humiliate myself or cause myself more trauma.

I work with people who don’t like me. I have been blocked by best friends (and subsequently unblocked). I’ve had my privacy violated by an ex boyfriend. I have been sexually harassed at work. These are a few of the handful of interactions I’ve had with people over the last two years and it’s made me not want to try anymore.

I am also tired of isolating myself but I don’t know how to get out, how to change. I remember as a kid trying to make friends with the other kids living near me and they literally ran away from me. I just imagine that happening again, I know it’s pathetic, I’m 23. No one is gonna run away, but what if?

Where do I get the extra hours in my day to socialise? I work full time, I get so drained that I take daily naps after work, I struggle. I am struggling and I don’t know what to do.

I want to make 2020 my year. I want to live my life. I don’t want to survive my life. I don’t want to just get by each day. I want to experience friendship and love again. I want to be open and vulnerable. I want to try. I want to change.

Should Women Travel Alone?

Grace Millane, a British backpacker, went missing on 1st December 2018, and in just over a week, they have charged a man for her murder. Yesterday, a body believed to be hers was found in the woodland area of the Waitakere Ranges. She had only been in New Zealand for two weeks, after travelling around South America for six weeks. 

As her life was very similar to mine (same age, both graduated from a Lincoln University and both travelling in NZ), my mum was particularly moved and saddened by this, and commented on a news article by BBC News. The first reply was a man saying ‘hope she’s travelling with friends’. Why is this the first question he asked? Why are we, as a society, programmed to ask why women are acting in a certain way, instead of asking why are men murdering women?

In most instances where a woman is the victim, it’s always “why did she do this?”, “why did she do that?”. We see it time and time again in sexual assault and harassment cases; for goodness sake, just the other week a woman’s lace thong was passed around a court room in Ireland, as apparently that meant she was consenting. (Fun fact: consent is an excited and energetic vocalised confirmation, not a piece of clothing.) 

Why are the women always to blame? Victim blaming at such a time distracts from the real issue: why are men murdering women? Why are men attacking women? Why are men thinking they are entitled to women’s bodies? 

Where are the conversations between men about these issues? Where are the meaningful lessons learnt from such events? Nearly every man I have spoken to about these issues responds with ‘not all men’ or ‘I hope you don’t think all men are like that’. And to those men, I say you’re right, not all men are bad, and there are some “good men” out there but how are we supposed to know the difference? Walking down the streets at night, all men look the same, there is no sign hanging round their necks saying ‘I’m the good guy’.

The amount of rules that women follow to avoid getting hurt by men is insane: walk home at night without headphones in (god forbid you stop paying attention to your surroundings), carry your keys between your fingers, get a taxi instead of walking late at night. And with the speculation that Grace Millane met her murderer on Tinder, women are now being told we should be more careful about who we meet or that we shouldn’t be on these apps anyway. Travelling means that these apps are also a great way of meeting people in the area, and is an easier way of making friends, especially if you’re someone with social anxiety and don’t particularly like walking up to people in bars or at events.

There are also some suggestions that they went back to a hotel room together, and so what if they did? Women are also sexual beings, men don’t have a monopoly on sex (although this is all too often forgotten). If a man seems like a decent guy, what does it matter if she headed back to a hotel room with him? She obviously felt safe enough, because he seemed like a decent guy. But men are capable of being deceitful particularly for their own gain and sexual gratification. 

A man I was dating earlier this year turned out to be one of these men. After realising I was in quite an emotionally manipulative situation, I ended the relationship and as a result he posted intimate photos of me online. I stupidly thought he was a good guy but I was proved wrong. And now because of this one man, I cannot trust other men, and they are now painted with the same brush. How am I supposed tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys? Why should I have to go through the emotional labour of finding out if I will be safe with a guy?

Travelling is a common way of finding yourself and exploring what the world has to offer. I have been lucky enough to have travelled quite a bit already, with mini breaks during university, going to Australia with a friend, a solo trip to Singapore, and now moving onto New Zealand alone. I cannot imagine a life without travelling and discovering new places and I’m positive many women feel exactly the same, so why should we be scared to enjoy the one life we have, because men cannot control themselves and are unaware of how to be decent human beings?

If you’re one of these “good” men, you need to start talking to your friends about this, start a conversation about why you think this is happening. Start standing up for women, start helping make changes by educating yourselves, call out your friends’ behaviour. Don’t accept banter with the lads that targets women and is degrading, even if there aren’t women around. Start believing survivors. Hold your friends accountable for their actions.

Not being a rapist or a murderer does not mean you’re automatically a good guy; improving the society we live in and actively trying to make the world a better place for me and other women means you’re a good guy.

(Side note: women, don’t put men on pedestals for doing this; women have been trying to raise these issues and dismantle the patriarchy for years, it’s about time the men joined in too!)

Every time you (and this applies to all genders) think about saying “not all men” remember how many women have been murdered, remember how many women have been raped, remember how many women have stories of sexual harassment. Ask any woman in your life and I can guarantee they have a story about some man treating them in an inappropriate manner.

I am tired of the victim blaming. I am tired of #NotAllMen. I am tired of men thinking this isn’t their problem. I am tired of having rules imposed on us, where men are free to live their lives without fear. I am tired of having to plan my travelling out, thinking about situations that could be considered unsafe because of men. 

I am tired. 

It doesn’t matter where we are in the world or whether or not we are alone, we will always be targets for men. I just finished listening to the Australian podcast, The Teacher’s Pet, and it shows that women are victims in their own homes, in their schools – nowhere is safe. Telling women they should travel with friends has absolutely no effect. I travelled with a friend yet I was spending about ten hours a day without her as I worked as a door knocker (the stereotypical backpacker job). Are grown women supposed to still use a buddy system to stay safe from men or is it about time men learned to stop killing us?

Until someone volunteers to spend the rest of their lives travelling with me doing exactly what I want every day, I will continue to travel the world alone. I am not scared, I am not afraid and I don’t want other women to feel like that. Travelling alone will sometimes be a challenge but it honestly makes life better and easier; do not let the actions of one feeble man (and men as a whole) influence the rest of your life. 

If you’re in New Zealand, there will be vigils in Auckland and Wellington, with the events on Facebook. They’ll be in memory of Grace and every other woman who has died at the hands of a man in NZ. 

Rest in peace, Grace. 

Australia Week One

I’m back! In the eight months since my last post, I finished my degree (with a 2:1), went to Brighton Pride and travelled to the other side of the world. This travelling is the perfect excuse to get my blog up and running again to fill you in on all my adventures!

The Flights

Monday 7th August was my last day of 2017 on British soil, which I spent watching the first episode of The Man in the Orange Shirt and Olly Alexander: Growing Up Gay. A very emotional morning which already had me drained. That was followed by a three hour drive from Norwich to Heathrow; most of the time was spent duetting with Mum to Westlife, Spice Girls and The Wanted. 

Bad thing number one. Checking in the first flight went wrong; I managed to check in but the system shut down before Isobel could. Once on the plane, I watched Kong: Skull Island (it’s hard to look at Tom Hiddleston without thinking about Hiddleswift and feeling all kinds of eurgh) and Changeling (Angelina Jolie is going to be my first wife). So it was a decent flight with a good nap in between the films. 

But bad thing number two happened on the shuttle bus. SOME KID BASICALLY THREW UP ON ME. Top tip: always carry wipes in case of incidents like this. 

The second flight was another film filled flight with Logan and Personal Shopper. I hadn’t got around to see these films when they were released due to university work so I was delighted to see them both on there. Kristen Stewart is actually going to be my first wife too. 

Wednesday 9th August

We arrived that morning, and slept for the rest of the day. Jet lag just jumps on you with no warning. 

Thursday 10th August

We sorted out bank accounts and library cards to prepare for job hunting. This was followed by a beautiful lunch at Smith & Deli. It’s a small vegan deli with a massive range of vegan foods. The grilled sandwich I had was The Friend Zone ($10), cheese, tomato and ham. And oh my god was it the best thing I’ve ever had in my life. Every vegan cheese I had before was nothing like this little beauty. I would attach a picture but I was too busy eating it to get a portrait. It’s taking a while to adjust to prices here, like a bottle of lemonade costing $3 compared to England’s £1.60. 

Smith & Deli

The parks are beautiful, very well structured with hidden treasures in nearly every one. In the Fitzroy Gardens, there’s a miniature village, awarded to Victoria for providing Britain with food during World War II. 

Miniature Village, Fitzroy Gardens

We also found many statues with unique histories to each one; my favourite one was a statue of a man in a lion’s outfit from The Wizard of Oz, to represent the courage of being yourself in the LGBT community. It was honoured to the first gay Mayor of Fitzroy. 

Courage statue, Fitzroy

Friday 11th August

We joined in a hostel activity which was Pints, Pool and Ping Pong. I literally went for the ping pong, which I was pretty decent at. Social anxiety takes a break when ping pong is involved. 
Saturday 12th August

National Gallery of Victoria had an exhibition for Hokusai and as I missed it in London, I was ecstatic to find it here. It cost $16 and contained basically his whole collection. I fell in love with every single piece of art. It was truly beautiful. It is devastating to think that he wasn’t recognised during his lifetime, his art were just remarkable. The rest of the gallery is remained to be seen as I arrived quite late and the queue into the exhibition was about half an hour long. 

Hokusai’s The Great Wave off Kanagawa (1832)

Sunday 13th August 

The Royal Botanic Gardens Victoria. Breathtaking. Magnificent. Better than any garden I have ever seen. So many plants, 50,000 and 8,500 different species, to be precise. There was a huge lake in the middle, which links to the other lakes and the man-made “volcano”, which keeps all the plants watered throughout the year. There were mini replica rainforstests and bamboo forests. There was a herb garden, which looked more like an overgrown with weeds garden. There was a spectacular view of the towers in Melbourne City Centre. Punting was available but at $25 each, which would not be worth it in my opinion, when you can use your own two feet to walk around there yourself. The animals I saw were limited to the water birds, such as coots, moorhens and storks. 

Disappointingly, McDonalds here does not have a vegetarian option which means I’ll be living on just fries instead. 

Monday 14th August
Alternatively known as Exhibition Day. 

First was the Australian Centre of the Moving Image, with two exhibitons: Wallace & Gromit and Friends: The Magic of Aardman ($24) and Screen Worlds (free). The Wallace & Gromit exhibition was fantastic, being able to see the process of the making of the films, adverts, and TV shows, was mind blowing. The amount of work the company has done in the last thirty years is incredible, and makes me feel that my life is gonna amount to nothing (compared to this at least). Me and Isobel made our own stop-motion animation of her lion being beaten by my Cornish pasty shaped dinosaur. 

Shaun the Sheep

Chicken Run

Pirates! Band of Misfits

Isobel and the Carousel

The Screen Worlds displayed the history of Australian film and film in general. There was a section about Aboriginal films and documentaries which I intend to look into. I also saw Cate Blanchett’s Oscar for her Best Supporting role in The Aviator, probably the closest I’ll get to an Oscar. But most importantly, I made a flip book of myself dancing, which will definitely become an heirloom one day. 

The next exhibition was the Koorie Heriate Trust (free), which displayed Aboriginal artefacts and art. It wasn’t a large scale exhibition with only a few items in glass cabinets and drawers. There was also recent artwork made by Deanne Gilson (Murnong: Yam Daisies) and Marlene Gilson (What If). The ‘What If’ collection was thought provoking as it showed a world where the Aboriginals invaded England before the English had a chance to, and the ‘Murnong: Yam Daisies’ were beautiful and bright, and if I had any money I would be snapping one of those straight up. 

Deanne Gilson’s Murnong: Yam Daisies

So this has been my first week in Australia, I plan to keep you all updated on the reg. But I might be a bit busy with all this adventuring!

To get daily updates, follow me on Instagram: @casey_mitchell__. 

Top Ten Films of 2016

2016 was the year I FINALLY bought an Odeon Limitless card, £17.99 to see how many films you can physically fit into a month. I managed to fit thirty-eight films into the year. It was also the year where I was confident enough to go alone; to be independent and not rely on someone else to help me in a situation which once upon a time made me very very nervous (it’s now just routine). It does not in any way make me a loser or a loner, it means I’m comfortable enough to do something I love and do not feel judged by anyone. Admittedly, my first time alone was to see X Men Apocalypse; while the film may have been a mess (apart from the Quicksilver scene), it was a moment that I will remember for life.

But anyway, let’s get down to business of my top ten films of 2016. These are just from the selection I have seen, and I’ve also attempted to pick a range of genres.

STAR TREK BEYOND

Without any doubt, this HAD to make the list. Star Trek Beyond was personally my most emotional film of 2016. Anton Yelchin’s passing just a month before the release just changed my whole perspective of the film. At this point of the year, I was unable to control my emotional instability, and my ability to cry for hours on end; so I foolishly booked myself tickets for the Star Trek Double Bill of the first two Star Treks of the new film series, with a midnight screening of the new one. I was a mess. From the second, Anton came on screen until the end titles, ‘For Anton’. This addition is 1000000% the best of the new series, written by Simon Pegg and Doug Jung, they truly captured the adventure side of ST. The message conveyed about unity of race and gender against a bigger evil was especially poignant, as it was released during Trump’s race to the presidential seat.

GREEN ROOM

Admittedly, I didn’t see this in the cinema this year, but I did get it on DVD as soon as it was released. The only reason I didn’t see this, was because Lincoln Odeon didn’t screen it (one of the main problems with such a small cinema is that you don’t get to see the smaller, lower budget films). The story follows a punk band, The Ain’t Rights, as they perform at a Neo-Nazi club and witness the murder of a young girl. They are then locked in the green room by the club’s owner, the not-so-sweet-now Patrick Stewart, and now they must fight to escape alive. There are machetes, guns and pitbulls on the other side of the door and all they have is a pocket knife and whatever they can find in the room. There are deaths, and you have to be prepared that not everyone can make it out in one piece.

I, DANIEL BLAKE

Screen Unseen is one of the perks of having Odeon as the local cinema, you pay £5 to see a film before it’s released but you don’t know what film it is until it starts (unless you work it out from the clues on Odeon’s twitter). On this occasion, it was I, Daniel Blake, a low budget British film about the life of a man on benefits following a heart attack, and his struggle with the government system. I had first read about this in Empire last year, with the article stating that Ken Loach had come out of retirement to make this film and my god, was it worth it. The documentary style makes you immediately connect with the characters, watching their every-day lives unfold on the big screen. Hayley Squires and Dave Johns are the realistic leads, giving effortless performances as people who are not supported by a system supposedly created to support them. When the film ends, you’re left thinking about how the government should change their regulations. Jeremy Corbyn asked that Theresa May watches the film and understands where the system is failing.

MOANA

I know that Finding Dory was the most anticipated animated film of 2016 but it didn’t even come close to Moana. The film follows a teenage girl on a journey to restore a heart of the goddess Te Fiti, with only the ocean and a demigod, Maui, lending a hand. It is littered with musical numbers composed by Lin-Manuel Miranda, with my favourite being Shiny by Tamatoa, a giant crab. Another appealing aspect of this film is the lack of romantic plot, there is no need for the girl to fall in love with a dashing young prince. The pig, and the chicken are the most adorable sidekicks, which makes me very jealous that I don’t have a cute pig to tell all my secrets to. Every scene is visually beautiful, it makes the idea of just sailing across the ocean with only the stars to guide you seem like a very good idea.

DEADPOOL

The superhero genre isn’t exactly the epitome of humour, but Deadpool clearly shows that it’s possible. Ryan Reynolds is the perfect fit for Deadpool with his crude and dry humour, I mean have you seen his twitter? I attempted to use this film to make my best friend, Isobel, believe that superhero films are actually decent, unfortunately it didn’t do that. This is because it follows the predictable plot, everything is alright in the end. However, I think this isn’t just for the superhero genre, I feel many films end too happily and everything is resolved. The fourth wall breaks are what makes this film truly special as you yourself feel like you’re part of the film. But I’m not gonna describe this to you because if you haven’t seen this yet, I don’t want to know you.

ME BEFORE YOU

I made the biggest mistake by going to see Me Before You on my birthday. It is the ultimate tear jerker, and me being emotionally unstable, it was too much. I couldn’t even contain my tears afterwards, when we went for a cheeky Nandos. Emilia Clarke’s acting was amazing but her eyebrows stole the show. Her ability to move them so much to express herself was not what I was expecting, but it added a whole other level to her character and made her so pure and innocent, and I instantly felt I needed to protect her from the world. Unfortunately, she fell in love with Sam Chaflin’s character, Will, who was paralysed from the neck down in a motorcycling accident and doesn’t have the will to live. It’s a tragic love story I will remember for the rest of my life (as it made me look like a complete fool on my 20^th birthday).

THE CONJURING 2

The most frightening film of 2016 was a toss up between The Conjuring 2 and Don’t Breathe, but ultimately The Conjuring 2 made me physically jump the most whereas Don’t Breathe just literally made me stop breathing. This time round, the action takes place in England in 1977, and is again based on a true story, this time of a little girl being possessed by an angry old man. The twist is that people don’t believe that the little girl is possessed and that the family are doing it to make money, this adds to the tension as you realise that she really is possessed and needs saving. There was one particular character that frightened me and that was the nun, who might be getting a whole film dedicated to her, she definitely makes you feel very uncomfortable in your seat. I would have probably wet myself if I saw it in 3D.

NOW YOU SEE ME 2

Now You See Me was easily one of my favourite films of 2013. The allure of magic enticed me in and I’ve been hooked ever since. I had so many questions about the sequel: how was it gonna match up to the beauty of the first? How would they continue the story with everyone in the world knowing who they are and what they did? How were they gonna explain Isla Fisher’s absence? Well, everything was cleared up in the first twenty minutes with Isla’s absence explained in a sentence or two. The Four Horsemen recruited another female to replace the old one, Lizzy Caplan. The magicians were laying low, waiting for the perfect moment to return. A new challenge comes their way in the shape of Daniel Radcliffe, and causes them to end up in Macau. My favourite bit of the entire film is the card trick scene, where they are trying to remove a computer chip with only a playing card and their own skills. It is the tensest ten minutes. You can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuDKElFcm1E. While Radcliffe is a great addition to the cast, I would prefer a more diverse cast with more than one strong female lead.

THE NEON DEMON

The Neon Demon was definitely the unique film of the year. It was heavily focussed on being an artistic film (which some people obviously couldn’t handle, as three people walked out of my screening). The story line takes its time to reach the climax, and the unexpected plot twist was so out of the blue. Elle Fanning is the perfect lead, as a charming young woman who wants to make it in the modelling world. This is a film where every single shot has been carefully thought out and planned, where everything has a meaning. There is a warning label attached to this if necrophilia and cannibalism are not something you’re keen on witnessing any time soon.

BRIDGET JONES’S BABY

The third instalment of the Bridget Jones’s franchise is a must-see. Renee Zellweger and Colin Firth reprise their roles as Bridget and Mark Darcy. Patrick Dempsey as Jack Qwant replaces Darcy’s old love rival, Hugh Grant’s Daniel Cleaver. The whole premise of the film is that Bridget unexpectedly falls pregnant after a night of passion with both gentlemen, while using her old, dolphin-friendly condoms. It creates an air of rivalry between the men, as they both try to show their competent fathers and worthy of being a father. It wouldn’t be a Bridget Jones’s film if there wasn’t an iconic scene, such as the bunny outfit in the first one, and Cleaver and Darcy’s water fountain fight in the second; this time both men carry Bridget to the hospital after the London roads have been shut down by a women’s rights march. We then have to witness them trying to fit into a revolving door while holding her, and it caused me to involuntarily laugh out loud. The film on the whole felt like a satisfying ending to Bridget’s story and the twelve year wait was needed to show that the now more mature Bridget was still dealing with the same problems with her relationships and her job. It reminds you that life has no pre-set schedule.

 

So these are my favourites of 2016, but I also want to give a little shoutout to Captain America: Civil War and Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Plus here are a few TV series I recommend: Stranger Things (Netflix), This is Us (currently showing on Channel 4, Tuesdays, 9pm), and Barracuda (BBC iPlayer).