Should Women Travel Alone?

Grace Millane, a British backpacker, went missing on 1st December 2018, and in just over a week, they have charged a man for her murder. Yesterday, a body believed to be hers was found in the woodland area of the Waitakere Ranges. She had only been in New Zealand for two weeks, after travelling around South America for six weeks. 

As her life was very similar to mine (same age, both graduated from a Lincoln University and both travelling in NZ), my mum was particularly moved and saddened by this, and commented on a news article by BBC News. The first reply was a man saying ‘hope she’s travelling with friends’. Why is this the first question he asked? Why are we, as a society, programmed to ask why women are acting in a certain way, instead of asking why are men murdering women?

In most instances where a woman is the victim, it’s always “why did she do this?”, “why did she do that?”. We see it time and time again in sexual assault and harassment cases; for goodness sake, just the other week a woman’s lace thong was passed around a court room in Ireland, as apparently that meant she was consenting. (Fun fact: consent is an excited and energetic vocalised confirmation, not a piece of clothing.) 

Why are the women always to blame? Victim blaming at such a time distracts from the real issue: why are men murdering women? Why are men attacking women? Why are men thinking they are entitled to women’s bodies? 

Where are the conversations between men about these issues? Where are the meaningful lessons learnt from such events? Nearly every man I have spoken to about these issues responds with ‘not all men’ or ‘I hope you don’t think all men are like that’. And to those men, I say you’re right, not all men are bad, and there are some “good men” out there but how are we supposed to know the difference? Walking down the streets at night, all men look the same, there is no sign hanging round their necks saying ‘I’m the good guy’.

The amount of rules that women follow to avoid getting hurt by men is insane: walk home at night without headphones in (god forbid you stop paying attention to your surroundings), carry your keys between your fingers, get a taxi instead of walking late at night. And with the speculation that Grace Millane met her murderer on Tinder, women are now being told we should be more careful about who we meet or that we shouldn’t be on these apps anyway. Travelling means that these apps are also a great way of meeting people in the area, and is an easier way of making friends, especially if you’re someone with social anxiety and don’t particularly like walking up to people in bars or at events.

There are also some suggestions that they went back to a hotel room together, and so what if they did? Women are also sexual beings, men don’t have a monopoly on sex (although this is all too often forgotten). If a man seems like a decent guy, what does it matter if she headed back to a hotel room with him? She obviously felt safe enough, because he seemed like a decent guy. But men are capable of being deceitful particularly for their own gain and sexual gratification. 

A man I was dating earlier this year turned out to be one of these men. After realising I was in quite an emotionally manipulative situation, I ended the relationship and as a result he posted intimate photos of me online. I stupidly thought he was a good guy but I was proved wrong. And now because of this one man, I cannot trust other men, and they are now painted with the same brush. How am I supposed tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys? Why should I have to go through the emotional labour of finding out if I will be safe with a guy?

Travelling is a common way of finding yourself and exploring what the world has to offer. I have been lucky enough to have travelled quite a bit already, with mini breaks during university, going to Australia with a friend, a solo trip to Singapore, and now moving onto New Zealand alone. I cannot imagine a life without travelling and discovering new places and I’m positive many women feel exactly the same, so why should we be scared to enjoy the one life we have, because men cannot control themselves and are unaware of how to be decent human beings?

If you’re one of these “good” men, you need to start talking to your friends about this, start a conversation about why you think this is happening. Start standing up for women, start helping make changes by educating yourselves, call out your friends’ behaviour. Don’t accept banter with the lads that targets women and is degrading, even if there aren’t women around. Start believing survivors. Hold your friends accountable for their actions.

Not being a rapist or a murderer does not mean you’re automatically a good guy; improving the society we live in and actively trying to make the world a better place for me and other women means you’re a good guy.

(Side note: women, don’t put men on pedestals for doing this; women have been trying to raise these issues and dismantle the patriarchy for years, it’s about time the men joined in too!)

Every time you (and this applies to all genders) think about saying “not all men” remember how many women have been murdered, remember how many women have been raped, remember how many women have stories of sexual harassment. Ask any woman in your life and I can guarantee they have a story about some man treating them in an inappropriate manner.

I am tired of the victim blaming. I am tired of #NotAllMen. I am tired of men thinking this isn’t their problem. I am tired of having rules imposed on us, where men are free to live their lives without fear. I am tired of having to plan my travelling out, thinking about situations that could be considered unsafe because of men. 

I am tired. 

It doesn’t matter where we are in the world or whether or not we are alone, we will always be targets for men. I just finished listening to the Australian podcast, The Teacher’s Pet, and it shows that women are victims in their own homes, in their schools – nowhere is safe. Telling women they should travel with friends has absolutely no effect. I travelled with a friend yet I was spending about ten hours a day without her as I worked as a door knocker (the stereotypical backpacker job). Are grown women supposed to still use a buddy system to stay safe from men or is it about time men learned to stop killing us?

Until someone volunteers to spend the rest of their lives travelling with me doing exactly what I want every day, I will continue to travel the world alone. I am not scared, I am not afraid and I don’t want other women to feel like that. Travelling alone will sometimes be a challenge but it honestly makes life better and easier; do not let the actions of one feeble man (and men as a whole) influence the rest of your life. 

If you’re in New Zealand, there will be vigils in Auckland and Wellington, with the events on Facebook. They’ll be in memory of Grace and every other woman who has died at the hands of a man in NZ. 

Rest in peace, Grace.